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Breaking Free from Perfectionism and Unrealistic Expectations

BY: James Mulcahy

Published: September 30, 2024

Unrealistic expectations and self-imposed perfectionism are two interconnected psychological patterns that can be damaging when left unchecked. They lead to a kind of self-punishment which is damaging to our self-esteem, not to mention our souls and our inner beings. Unrealistic expectations often arise when we set unattainable goals or maintain rigid standards for themselves, our relationships, or our achievements. When we want something in life - a job, a partner, a new home or car, a pile of money - we can easily get so overwhelmed and ravelled-up in the enthusiasm and excitement of our initial inspiration that we become exhausted but keep pushing forward anyway. 

These expectations can be shaped by societal pressures, personal beliefs, or comparisons to others. While it's normal to look to famous people or those we see on social media as role models and acknowledge them with love, comparing ourselves to those with a unique set of pressures or circumstances is unrealistic. We may idealize success, relationships, or personal behavior to the point where the standards become unreachable. When reality does not align with these expectations, it often leads to feelings of disappointment, frustration, or inadequacy. The negative feelings grow and when we fall into that trap unconsciously we fuel the fire of the problem, since we can't attain what we set out to achieve. This cycle can perpetuate anxiety and stress, as individuals constantly strive to meet these impossible standards.

Self-imposed perfectionism is a related concept where we hold ourselves to excessively high standards, often believing that anything less than flawless performance is a failure. It's an old-fashioned form of self-motivation in which we push through with a narrow focus toward what we want. There are healthy forms of striving that provide for self-care and prevent burnout. The old method is a type of perfectionism that leaves no room for error, growth, or flexibility. This mindset often stems from a fear of judgment or failure, where mistakes are seen as personal shortcomings rather than learning opportunities. 

The perfectionistic drive often leads to procrastination, burnout, and diminished satisfaction because the pursuit of perfection is inherently unattainable. Perfectionists tend to fixate on minor flaws, endlessly revising their work or becoming paralyzed by the fear that their efforts will never be "good enough." Remember: we never get all done! Pacing ourselves allows our self-esteem to remain high even while we discipline ourselves to patiently wait for what we want. Giving ourselves credit for even the smallest accomplishments and giving ourselves mental breaks throughout a project's duration prevents the negative cycle from rearing its head. 

Both unrealistic expectations and self-imposed perfectionism contribute to a perpetual sense of inadequacy. For instance, someone may set an unrealistic expectation of excelling in every area of life—work, relationships, hobbies—while simultaneously imposing perfectionistic standards on their performance in each of these areas. When they inevitably fall short of these goals, it reinforces the belief that they are not good enough, intensifying stress and diminishing self-esteem. This cycle can also inhibit personal growth, as individuals may avoid taking risks or trying new things out of fear they won’t achieve perfection.

Breaking free from these patterns involves cultivating self-compassion and accepting that mistakes and imperfections are part of the human experience. By setting realistic goals and embracing the process of learning, individuals can reduce the pressure to be perfect and focus on progress rather than flawlessness. Over time, shifting away from unrealistic expectations and perfectionism can lead to a healthier mindset, where growth and effort are valued more than unattainable ideals.

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